Better, Stronger

Finally no more poking! Or that is what we thought…

I haven't written a blog since my first chemo as it has been such a long journey, I couldn't find the time nor the energy to do so.

Now the chemo is behind me, I can start processing what happened over the last 6 months, taking a bit of time to reflect on how challenging and painful this process has been for me and my family.

I was not really motivated for chemo session number 3 and that lack of motivation and negative headspace came back like a smack in the face when the nurse failed to find a vein which was extremely painful. The cold cap that they used was not the correct size and was not fitting correctly causing immense pain on the skull. I was already trying to focus on getting through the freezing sensation, so adding physical pain was not a great help. The third chemo session just felt hard. Everything seemed to be going wrong. Let's just say I was not feeling the best coming out of that one. 

I put on a very brave face after this session. More so than I probably needed to but did not feel the support and connection I needed. I voiced my opinion to Steve saying how it's nice to have a lot of people “check in” but no one actually showing up or even pop around for a cup of tea. I was feeling very isolated and lonely but once that was in the universe, it seemed like the tide changed and we had few friends booking in for catch ups and socialising, dropping food off, playing with the kids or just offering words of encouragement. 

We've been and still are very forthcoming and honest when people ask how things are going. That probably puts a few people off and that's okay. Life is hard enough, who needs challenging vibes from the “Chemo crew” but I can’t be a hypocrite, that is just not me.

The kids have been the main motivator for me to get through these hard days post chemo. They come in the morning and give me a kiss and a cuddle and that forces me to get out of bed. I joined them for breakfast even if it was just for 5 or 10 minutes and tried to walk them to school nearly everyday. But sometimes I was really not feeling good so I was just walking them to the end of the driveway or the street. Their energy and aura filled my bucket up and I knew that movement was the best way to break the fatigue.

The kids have been so supportive and I realise how hard it is of me and Steve to sometimes stop them being kids. They just want to play and have fun, unaware of how drained I am. Whilst we believe they have taken this situation in their stride, there are definitely some behavioural changes we have seen. Nahla often stepped up to take on a parent role and Raphael was in high demand of attention.

I've really been leaning into the physical side through Personal Training (PT) sessions and my amazing trainer has developed the program specifically around my treatment. I've also been going to regular acupuncture massage, relaxation and lymphatic massages as well as some psychological support. It all helps. I'm grateful that I had the flexibility to be able to use these professionals and I will continue to do so in 2025 to recover.

Knowing all of the above we knew, we needed a strong headspace for the final chemo session. And with the final check up from the surgeon, we thought that was going to be the boost we needed, and it very much was. The surgeon was super impressed with her work and there was no need to have any follow-ups unless we had concerns or issues. So we left that meeting with our heads held high and completely forgot to ask them to check a small red mark on the scar.

That red mark developed into a scar infection and we sought medical help from the local GP. They decided a trip to the emergency department was required. Thankfully the team at the breast cancer ward directed us to visit them and not head to the emergency department. They pulled a doctor off the ward and after a quick inspection I was reassured that antibiotics would be fine and we can continue with the chemo.

All this was another hurdle we had to battle before aiming our sights on the final chemo session! 

Unfortunately, after a week of antibiotics and more chemo, they realised that the infection required another kind of antibiotics so I continued with another week of meds… it’s like a never ending consumption of medication. 

I was much better prepared for the final Chemo session. We really advocated for my well being with the team before the session and were given extra attention to ensure it all went smoothly. Intravenous was a breeze, the cold cap went on easily after a couple of minor adjustments and it just felt smooth. It was nice to be telling the support staff that “ no they won’t see me next time, this is my last session”.

As we departed the building for the final time, Steve and I stopped to take a moment knowing we won’t be back here again. A few tears were shed for both joy in its ending but also in knowing what the next few weeks of side effects would probably bring. Sue (Steve’s Mum) was on hand for the kids and with a quicker than expected chemo treatment we snuck off for a cheeky burger. 

The next few days were a roller coaster again with side effects coming and going and reeking havoc on my body. As much time as Steve had taken off, a lot of it was used working on the house or garden in preparation for summer. I again felt quite alone, even with the PT and end of school keeping me active and distracted. We also had birthdays to celebrate (mine and Steve’s) and had arranged a little party with some close friends at home. 

This celebration with friends was the first time I got to enjoy some great food and drinks with my friends. Anything before, I had little to no taste and was pretty tired most days. Still that party marked the start of some normalcy returning to life.

But as we know from previous blogs, always expect the unexpected. 

I was getting a sore ear lobe and a nurse friend said it was an infected cyst that would require draining. She was super helpful in doing so and came every night after work to clean it up. After a couple of days trying to remove the cyst, she found another infected one behind the previous… the never ending again.

The whole family needed a break from these last 6 months and we rewarded ourselves by going to France for Christmas.

Nearly 2 months post chemo, I am still dealing with side effects from the treatments and for most of them, I have no idea if they will last or disappear.

For instance, I am getting hot flushes linked to pre-menopause (quite common apparently with chemo). There has been and still is some significant hair loss. I've been very lucky to be able to hide it and most of you would not even know that I am missing a significant amount of hair. It's part of the process and I'm grateful that I've been able to save as much as I have. However, it is still confronting when I'm washing my hair to find huge clumps of hair in my hands. This has resulted in my head being quite patchy. To add to that, there are large and painful pimples forming on the scalp that are hurting and constantly itchy. It is like my scalp is a massive bruise. 

Nails have been breaking easily and are very weak with little cuts getting infected regularly for no reason. My skin is dry and cracking all the time, making me feel like a turtle. My extremities are numb or tingling and I’m still super restless in my legs. I feel like I have to move which makes it hard to sit and work, watch TV and sleep. 

The scars are getting better but it will take me a while to get used to my implants and there are parts of the breasts that are still super sensitive (nerve pain) while other parts are completely numb. 

I won’t talk about the chemo brain because this is very frustrating to feel so dumb and absent in your own head. And then there is the constant fatigue, there are moments where I am exhausted even if I’m trying to kick myself and keep a life as normal as can be. The physical and mental impact is real and I know that 2025 will be a year of acceptance and recovery. The journey keeps going but the worst is behind.

2024 has been the most extreme year I have experienced: 3 deaths in my family, a close family member’s sickness and treatment, Steve’s knee surgery, Steve changing jobs twice, Nahla’s broken leg, Raphael’s adenoids and tonsillectomy surgery and of course my cancer. 

I could strike this year from the record, however that would not be fair to all the beautiful moments I experienced and to the fact that I beat this bloody cancer. From time with Steve and kids, to cuddles with Leo our dog, to our families and friends (close and far) reaching out to offer support... It hasn't been easy and it’s far from being finished but it could have been much worse and I’m very conscious of how lucky I am.

In the words of George Michael “ Things can only get better” 

A massive thanks to each of you for being part of this journey and if you are a female and 40+ years old, please go get checked!

This is my last blog but if you want to keep in touch, feel free to contact me on Whatsapp +61 478 770 126

Enfin, plus de piqûres ! Ou du moins c’est ce que nous pensions…

Je n’ai pas écrit de blog depuis ma première séance de chimio, car le traitement a été si long que je n’ai ni trouvé le temps ni l’énergie pour le faire.

Maintenant que la chimio est derrière moi, je peux commencer à digérer ce qui s’est passé ces six derniers mois, prendre un peu de recul et réfléchir à quel point ce processus a été difficile et douloureux pour moi et ma famille.

Je n’étais pas très motivée pour ma troisième séance de chimio, et ce manque de motivation, ainsi que l’état d’esprit négatif, sont revenus comme une claque lorsque l'infirmier n’a pas réussi à trouver une veine, ce qui a été extrêmement douloureux. Le casque réfrigérant utilisé n’était pas de la bonne taille et ne s’ajustait pas correctement, causant une douleur intense au niveau du crâne. J’essayais déjà de me concentrer pour supporter la sensation de froid, donc ajouter une douleur physique n’a pas aidé. Cette troisième séance de chimio a été particulièrement difficile, tout semblait aller de travers. Disons simplement que je ne me sentais pas au mieux en sortant de celle-ci.

J’ai dû faire preuve d’un grand courage après cette séance, peut-être plus que nécessaire, mais je ne ressentais pas le soutien et la connexion dont j’avais besoin. J’ai exprimé mon opinion à Steve en lui disant que c’était bien d’avoir des gens qui « prennent des nouvelles », mais que personne ne venait réellement nous voir ou même partager une tasse de thé. Je me sentais très isolée et seule, mais une fois cela exprimé, les choses ont changé. Quelques amis ont pris rendez-vous pour des rencontres, ont apporté de la nourriture, joué avec les enfants ou simplement offert des mots d’encouragement.

Nous avons été très transparents et honnêtes lorsque les gens nous ont demandé comment cela se passait. Cela en a probablement découragé certains, et c’est normal. La vie est déjà assez difficile, qui a besoin d’ondes négatives venant de l’équipe « chimio » ? Mais je ne peux pas être hypocrite, ce n’est tout simplement pas moi. Si tu ne veux pas savoir, ne demande pas ;-)

Mes enfants ont été ma principale source de motivation pour traverser ces journées difficiles après la chimio. Ils venaient me voir le matin pour un bisou et un câlin, ce qui me poussait à sortir du lit. Je les accompagnais au petit-déjeuner, même si ce n’était que pour 5 ou 10 minutes, et j’essayais de les accompagner à l’école presque tous les jours. Mais parfois, je ne me sentais pas bien du tout et je ne pouvais que les accompagner jusqu’au bout de l’allée ou de la rue. Leur énergie et leur présence me remplissaient de force, et je savais que bouger était le meilleur moyen de combattre la fatigue.

Les enfants ont été tellement solidaires, et je me rends compte à quel point c’est dur pour Steve et moi de parfois leur demander de ne pas être des enfants. Ils veulent juste jouer et s’amuser, sans comprendre à quel point je suis épuisée. Bien que nous croyions qu’ils ont bien géré cette situation, nous avons tout de même observé des changements de comportement. Nahla a souvent pris un rôle de parent, et Raphaël demandait beaucoup d’attention.

Je me suis beaucoup concentrée sur le physique à travers des séances avec mon entraîneur personnel, qui a développé un programme adapté à mon traitement. J’ai également suivi des séances régulières d’acupuncture, de massages relaxants et lymphatiques, ainsi que d’un soutien psychologique. Tout cela aide. Je suis reconnaissante d’avoir eu la flexibilité de pouvoir faire appel à ces professionnels, et je continuerai à le faire en 2025 pour ma convalescence.

2024 a été l'année la plus extrême que j'ai vécue : 3 décès dans ma famille, la maladie et le traitement d’un membre proche, l’opération du genou de Steve, ses deux changements d’emploi, la jambe cassée de Nahla, la chirurgie des amygdales et des végétations de Raphaël, et bien sûr mon cancer.

Je pourrais rayer cette année de ma mémoire, mais cela ne rendrait pas justice à tous les beaux moments que j’ai vécus, ni au fait que j’ai vaincu ce foutu cancer. Du temps passé avec Steve et les enfants, aux câlins avec Leo notre chien, en passant par le soutien de nos familles et amis (proches et lointains)... Ça n’a pas été facile et c’est loin d’être terminé, mais cela aurait pu être bien pire et je suis très consciente de la chance que j’ai.

Comme le dit George Michael : "Things can only get better" (Les choses ne peuvent que s'améliorer).

Un immense merci à chacun d'entre vous pour avoir fait partie de ce voyage.

Et si vous êtes une femme de 40 ans ou plus, s’il vous plaît, allez vous faire examiner !

C’est mon dernier blog, mais si vous voulez rester en contact, n’hésitez pas à me joindre sur WhatsApp au +61 478 770 126.